Too Irritable? It Might be Burnout and Here’s what to do.
This blog was written by Joel Schmidt, LMCH and Owner of Float On Counseling.
I often work with busy professionals who come to me and say they want to work on their anger. They’re irritable, easily agitated, not feeling their best, and often take out their frustration and stress on the people they love the most. As a result they sometimes turn to coping in less-than-healthy ways: such as drinking more than usual. They see the problem with their behavior and the damage it does to their partner and children, but have a hard time breaking the pattern. The fuse is short, though, and in-the-moment they struggle to act differently and communicate effectively. The impulse wins, they say and do things they regret, and continue the cycle of guilt and regret. They want to be better, they want to do better, and they just don’t know where to start. It might make sense, they think, to just simply learn how to cope with their stress and regulate their emotions. While that’s a part of the equation, they’re often not really dealing with the true underlying cause: Burnout. When you’re constantly “drinking from a firehose” with no “room in your cup”, the overflow has to go somewhere.
The Real Problem:
The problem most of the time is not their ability to self-regulate. It’s that the ability to self-regulate becomes difficult - if not near impossible - when the system is completely overwhelmed…when the demands in everyday life are more than what one person can handle…when there’s no “catching up”, no time to decompress, and no outlets that we so desperately need to maintain some balance when it comes to our mental health. Not surprisingly, these same people I’m talking about often report that things look a lot different when they’re on a beach in Hawaii. Suddenly, conflict in their relationship decreases and certain things that trigger them in-real-life just don’t seem to phase them as much.
Although most of us don’t have the luxury of trading in the “9-5” for resort life, there’s some valuable data we might obtain from looking at how differently we react to stimuli when the pressures of life significantly decrease.
Even though there are certainly some things we can do to better manage emotions and deal with stress, we’ll only ever get so far if we don’t address the real underlying problem.
Burnout:
Burnout is real. It’s a state of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion caused by chronic stress - often due to a combination of professional demands accompanied by the full-time job of managing a family, a home, and parenting responsibilities. It often leads to a frequent state of exhaustion, irritability, a cynical outlook on the world, detachment from relationships, and mood-related difficulties.
What we Can Do:
The biggest challenge with burnout is that people often find it hard to imagine that there’s anything they can do with it. There’s still a job to be done, a family to be taken care of, bills to be paid, and a house to maintain. While those thoughts are valid, there’s often more that can be done within a person’s control than they might have ever considered. The key word here is “control” in that burnout often makes people feel completely overwhelmed and out of control. Creating an action plan that helps you regain a sense of control, can go a long way even if it doesn’t completely eliminate the problem. Below are a few things you might consider when developing that action plan.
Outsource or Ask for Help:
For those people who have the resources, it’s worth considering outsourcing some of your housework and chores where possible. Whether it’s cleaning, shopping, mowing the lawn, paying for someone to help with household items not only helps create jobs but also decreases the demands. It may also be the case that there are people in the family who might have additional time or energy who would be willing to help if you just ask for it. People often get stuck feeling like they have to do it all. They’re afraid to ask, but are sometimes pleasantly surprised to find that it’s available when accessed.
Talk about it:
People often struggle in silence. They don’t want to put their problems on their partner, family, or friends. Support networks are there for a reason and many of the people who are reluctant to share their own stressors or concerns tell me that they would be happy to provide support for someone else that they cared about who was dealing with the same things. Open up, communicate, and share what’s on your mind. There’s something to the power of “venting”, talking about how we are doing and how we are feeling, and being heard. Doing so can help us process things and get perspectives that help us cope.
Take Time off:
If you have unused time off, take it if you can! I can’t tell you how many people I’ve worked with who have a 3 year supply of paid time off that they haven’t taken. They’re afraid of getting behind, they feel guilty for being away, and time just gets away from them. If PTO is a part of your compensation package, do what you need to do to take advantage of it.
Entrepreneurs have the difficult task of figuring out how to take time off - especially when the time off will be unpaid or if there’s nobody to cover…but it’s equally important for them to develop a system that allows for time away from the office.
Prioritize Yourself:
People often get really caught up in doing everything for everyone else and it becomes a habit. It’s easy to lose yourself through it all. It’s okay to give yourself permission to take time for yourself to do things that are not productive. There will always be work to do, so don’t fall for the illusion that if you just keep going all the time that you will eventually reach some sort of freedom that allows you to do the kinds of things you really want to do.
Set Work/Personal Boundaries:
When people started to work from home more often during the covid pandemic, lines between professional and personal life got even more blurred for many people than they already were. Whether you work from home or from the office, do your best to set a work cutoff time. Although the nature of some people’s careers prevent them from ever being completely “off the clock”, people often do more than they really need to after hours. Learn to recognize the difference between an actual crisis and something that can wait until tomorrow. Say no when you can and ask for help when you need it.
Find Healthy Coping Mechanisms:
If exercise, good nutrition, and healthy mental health practices are on the backburner, see if there are ways to make small changes that might help make you feel better and reduce your stress. Exercise (even just a little bit of walking each day) can go a long way. Go to therapy, get your body moving, get a nap in when you can, stop to take a few deep breaths a few times throughout your day, take up a hobby you enjoy, find time to spend with family and friends, start a brief daily meditation practice, and get the sleep you need each night.
The Big Picture:
If you find the demands too overwhelming to make any significant changes now, it may be worth reevaluating your long-term situation. Even when a short-term plan is not possible, people can sometimes gain some relief by having a long-term road map for change. You might take a look at your current career and how well that’s working for you, your skillset and what sort of skills or education are needed to make a change, and your financial situation and ways your lifestyle impact the demands (example: might better budgeting or downsizing free up some resources?).
Getting Unstuck
It’s sometimes hard to get unstuck on your own…and unfortunately people are often really reluctant to ask for support. A Therapist can help you come up with a plan and identify strategies to help deal with stress, burnout, a better routine, communication challenges, and healthier coping skills. They can also serve as a great outlet for better dealing with and processing difficult emotions - as without a release valve, the build up of pressure will almost always find its way out in ways you might not anticipate.
"Too Irritable? It Might be Burnout and Here’s what to do." was written by Joel Schmidt, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and owner of Float On Counseling. We offer counseling to help improve your mental health through in-person or online therapy for Florida residents. If you would like more information, please contact us and our Client Care Coordinator will help you get started. View our therapists by visiting our therapists page.