5 Reasons You Might Pass on the Gratitude This Thanksgiving

Before I dig in and give you 5 reasons you might pass on the gratitude this Thanksgiving, I need to acknowledge a couple of things. There is and will always be a place for gratitude. There are a broad range of benefits when used in the right context, including mood improvements, better sleep, increased optimism, and lower blood pressure (to name a few)—especially for people who tend to have a “glass half empty” mindset. Practicing gratitude can help people harness the power of neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to adapt and change by forming new connections. For some, this could mean shifting toward a more positive (or at least neutral) way of thinking about things. It just can’t be assigned as a one-size-fits-all magic solution for feeling better and thinking more positively. What could be so bad about just appreciating the things you have in your life? Well, in some cases, it can backfire and do more harm than good.

5 reasons you might pass on the gratitude this Thanksgiving.

1. It Can Dismiss Pain

Being told to be thankful can be seen as invalidating or minimizing your pain. If you’re grieving or dealing with something really challenging in your life, it’s okay to make room for all the stuff (good and bad) and not feel obligated to summon up all the things you are thankful for. In fact, passing on the gratitude can create the space needed to process it all.

2. It Can Keep You Stuck

If you’re in a situation you’re unhappy with—whether it’s work or an unhealthy relationship—choosing to focus on gratitude might serve as a form of bypassing the real need to confront certain things. Gratitude can be used as a tool for avoidance when we neglect the hard truths we need to face. In some cases it helps us pretend that everything is okay - or at least good enough.

3. It Can Promote “Toxic Positivity”

You’ve heard the trendy little catchphrases: “positive vibes only,” “it could be worse,” and “look on the bright side.” There has to be space for dealing with and expressing the complex range of emotions we all feel as normal human beings. Suggesting that someone should only focus on feeling upbeat and chipper encourages denial, suppression of valid emotions, and inauthenticity. Sure, nobody likes to be around a chronic pessimist - an Eeyore of sorts - but there shouldn’t ever be the expectation that anybody be happy, grateful, or uplifting to be around all of the time.

4. It Can Lead to Unhelpful Comparisons That Cause Guilt

Many of the people I see in therapy already know they have many things they “should” feel more grateful for. It’s not rare to hear someone say, “I have everything I ever wanted or needed—so why can’t I just get over this?” or “So many people have it so much worse.” Sure, perspective can sometimes be helpful, but can you imagine if, in a case like this, I encouraged my client to spend even more time thinking about how good they actually have it? We don’t ever need a “good” reason to not be okay, and this is one of the cases in which gratitude can actually make someone feel worse. Not feeling grateful enough can sometimes lead to guilt, shame, and further self-criticism that only compounds the issues at hand.

5. It May Feel Hollow or Forced

In the face of new trauma or loss, an expectation for gratitude may feel impossible or like too big of an ask. Although it may be an appropriate intervention at some point in a person’s healing, timing is key, and gratitude cannot be forced.

Does your family wait to pass around the green bean casserole until everyone has shared at least one thing they’re thankful for? Although not an annual ritual, we often do at our home—and I kind of like it. In a life that’s often too chaotic to deeply reflect on all the good, it can be nice to take a moment to truly appreciate the food, the family, the dogs, the drinks—you know, all of the simple things we’re fortunate to have. The things we often take for granted.

That said, it’s alright if you don’t want to join in this year, if you don’t really mean it, or if you just want to be the difficult one at the table and pull up this article to share with the fam.

Want to know what I’m truly grateful for this year? My clients…stay tuned to find out why.

This blog post was written by Float On Counseling’s owner & Therapist, Joel Schmidt, LMHC.