Should You Ghost Your Therapist?
This blog post was written by Joel Schmidt, LMHC.
Since it’s that time of year, why don’t we get into the spooky topic of how to close out work with your therapist whether you feel like you’ve gotten what you need out of therapy or you’re just not sure it’s a good fit. It doesn’t have to be scary and wrapping up with good communication can be beneficial for you and for your therapist.
I’ll preface everything that I’m about to put out there, by making it clear that as a client in therapy, you don’t owe your therapist anything. It’s never your job to worry about how your therapist feels. They’re in the professional role and it’s their responsibility to deal with all of the feelings that come up in their job. And, yes, lots of feelings do come up in this kind of work - positive and negative. We as therapists, after all, are in the business of relationships and helping - and when we form relationships with our clients, emotions are a part of the territory. Because of that (and for some other really important reasons) I suggest letting your therapist know if you plan to end therapy with them. I’ll get into reasons why you might want to do it for your therapist - and more importantly - reasons why you might want to do it for yourself.
For the Therapist
I’ll speak generally here and from my own experience, although I imagine most of what I say will resonate with many therapists. We therapists are invested in our work. Although there may be a one-sided dynamic to the relationship that makes it more about you than your therapist, therapists care and are deeply involved. They care about you - and they care about doing everything within their power to help. They celebrate your successes, feel some of your grief, and wonder how you’re doing when the work is done.
When a client leaves with no notice and with no explanation, they sometimes worry. Is my former client okay? Was there more I could have done or something I could have done better? Was it something I said? Similar to any other kind of ghosting, it leaves the person on the other end with a lot of unanswered questions that sometimes lead to building up a narrative to make sense of it, whether true or not.
Newer therapists might be more vulnerable to confusion and feelings of rejection when “ghosted” by clients, but even more experienced therapists can experience those same thoughts and feelings when someone they thought they had a good therapeutic relationship with suddenly disappears. There’s a certain lack of closure and in some cases missed opportunities for therapists to learn about how they could have done better. It’s nice to let them know. Not absolutely necessary, but nice. It’s a thoughtful and kind thing to do for your therapist - especially if in some way they played a helpful role in your life.
(Side note: if you’ve had an extra bad experience when it comes to your therapist’s professionalism, poor boundaries on their part, or anything else that may have caused you harm, you can disregard the courtesies I’m suggesting.)
For you as the Client
Much more important than the emotional considerations for the therapist, is how ending therapy might be an opportunity (or a missed one) for clients in therapy who decide that they are done or that they want to move on to a new therapist. Leaving a therapist is a good chance to practice communication, expressing needs, and dealing with hard things (vs. avoiding them). A person who ghosts their therapist probably engages in the same sort of unhelpful avoidance in their real life. Every stage of therapy presents an opportunity to grow, even if it’s no longer going to be with your current therapist. We feed the cycle of avoidance and the anxiety of dealing with hard things the longer the pattern continues.
So how do we say Goodbye?
It can be hard to know exactly what to say when it’s time to go, but it doesn’t need to be complicated. It might be ideal to bring up and talk about during your last session (if you know it will be your last session). However, even a quick and straightforward email will do the trick. Simply expressing that you’re ready to move on is enough, but if you’d prefer, any good therapist will be open to processing more in depth and providing referrals or recommendations for additional support if needed. Nervous? Feeling tempted to avoid what feels like a hard thing to bring up? That’s even more the reason to confront it.
"Should You Ghost Your Therapist" is a blog post that was written by Joel Schmidt, Licensed Mental Health Counselor. If you are interested in scheduling a therapy session with Joel - or another one of our therapist - please contact us and our Client Care Coordinator will help you get started. View our therapists by visiting our therapists page.