How Starting Therapy Helps You Stop Avoiding What Keeps You Stuck

Is it possible that starting therapy can help you stop avoiding what keeps you stuck?  One of the biggest and most recurring themes that comes up in therapy sessions is that of avoidance. A seemingly intuitive thing to do when faced with something uncomfortable is to try to avoid doing that thing. We avoid difficult conversations, facing our emotions, dealing with hard things that need to be taken care of, trying new things, meeting new people, setting needed boundaries, saying no to things (and even saying yes to things), and situations that might trigger our anxiety. The list goes on.

A part of us knows, more often than not, there is growth in doing the hard things. Still, we choose the path of least resistance. The easy thing. The thing that’s more comfortable right now, but that keeps us stuck in old patterns of dysfunction in the long run.

When faced with challenging things in life, what we often don’t see is that the choices in front of us are both hard. We can choose the first hard: being vulnerable, facing our fears, and doing what we know needs to be done. In doing so, we often build confidence, see improvement in our relationships, and discover a sense of peace in doing those things that the wise part of you knows need to be faced. Or we can choose the second hard: staying comfortable in the moment for the long-term trade-off of stunted growth, unresolved issues in our relationships, and the quiet heaviness that comes from knowing we are avoiding what matters most. If faced with the two hard options, why not choose the most skilled and healthy approach?

Easier said than done, of course, as sometimes the emotional wall standing between us and the things we need to face is almost immovable.

In a therapy model that has resonated most strongly over my years in practice, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we are challenged to move toward our values; to identify the principles we want to live by, what we want to be, and what matters to us, in order for those values to serve as a sort of compass—for those values to be the guiding force in our lives. To live with a kind of personal integrity that chooses courage over comfort, even when the discomfort can feel almost intolerable at first.

In a therapy model with some congruent key concepts, Exposure and Response Prevention, we decrease symptoms of anxiety over time by gradually and systematically exposing ourselves to anxiety-inducing stimuli. Through the use of new behaviors and skills, we put ourselves in situations that trigger the nervous system’s survival response in order to teach the system (through nonreactive and mindfulness-based strategies) that the feared thing is actually safe. We can’t use logic alone with the part of our brain that tells us that a certain situation, thing, or place is unsafe, so we must desensitize our bodies through experience. A person afraid of public speaking, for example, but who knows public speaking is necessary to advance their career, might start with a speaking group or find small and more tolerable opportunities to practice speaking in front of a crowd before moving on to larger venues. Over time, with enough exposure and experience, it’s entirely possible to get to a place of relative comfort doing something that might have once induced panic. Avoiding opportunities to speak at all costs, on the other hand, reinforces the anxiety and a ceiling of reduced potential.

The example I provided illustrates the concept of how moving toward what we fear (even when really uncomfortable) can move us forward in some important ways. And it can essentially be applied to just about any kind of fear or aspect of life that we dread. Whether it be taking a flight after years of avoiding, reaching out to a loved one to repair a ruptured relationship, going to a doctor after putting it off for months, allowing yourself to be vulnerable by starting to date, sharing an opinion in a work meeting where you would normally stay silent, going back to school later in life, being honest about your needs in a relationship, or going to a party even with social anxiety, the process is the same. Each act of courage and positive outcome teaches the nervous system that discomfort does not equal danger.

So what does starting therapy have to do with any of this? Well, people with patterns of avoidance often avoid starting therapy simply because therapy might be uncomfortable. It might mean being encouraged to confront some things. It might mean having to talk about things that cause uneasiness. It might mean having to face some truths or emotions that you’ve put aside.

And yet, that first step of starting therapy is itself an exposure. A move toward courage that begins to retrain your system to tolerate discomfort in the service of something more meaningful. It can sometimes be hard to know where to start on your own, and therapy can be a place where, in a controlled and safe setting, you can get guidance on where to begin and start to build confidence in a way that is less overwhelming than trying to figure it all out on your own. In therapy, avoidance can turn into action, action can lead to growth, and fear can lose its power.

If you are ready to start your therapy journey, you can visit our contact us page, give us a call at 813-515-9602 or email us counseling@floatoncounseling.com.